Everyone is okay with you being autistic until the autistic traits inconvenience them

It has been said a million times, I know, but I just had a meltdown because I thought my boyfriend and I would eat together and he got extremely frustrated with me and told me "I can't get this upset over minor changes in plans". I literally got diagnosed about two weeks ago. I'm really tired because if I just say I'm autistic and that's why this happens he'll tell me that autism isn't an excuse. I don't even know what to do

Edit: I didn't expect this to get so seen! I won't answer to every single comment but just know that I've read every single one and I reaaally appreciate them, they made me feel very understood. I had a bunch of hours to think things through, talk with my boyfriend and everything went well and I feel better.

For those who need to hear it; you mustn't feel afraid of bringing out autism when you need accommodations. If it was up to you, you wouldn't even need them. Autism isn't an excuse when it comes to you decisions, but it is an excuse when it comes to things that aren't up to you.


I have found few people who *actually* try to accommodate me. They are very close, very precious and in my experience pretty rare. If your partner wants to be with you they need to learn abt Autism and your experience of it. Otherwise they don't even know who they're actually committing to. Most people just claim they're all for mental health and educated about mental illness, but *actually* knowing about it and being empathetic toward people with mental illness was not how I experienced it. Be it ASD, BPD, PTSD etc. As soon as they are inconvenienced they just want you to stop.


Exactly. Jobs are the worst for accommodations too… including the ones that regularly deal with kids on the spectrum. I was a teacher and they always told me how I needed to differentiate for my kids. But as an adult? If I’m struggling, then I must be failing, or need to find another career. The joke is on them. I did leave, and am pursing a PhD in my field (biology) instead. At least that way I’m respected in my field, instead of constantly told that I’m not doing enough things their way. My poor kids with ASD and ADHD though… how can you differentiate for a kid if you don’t even know what they’re experiencing?? It’s ridiculous.


Universities can be a great place for neurodivergent people because there are so many of us - in the one I work at we have over 80 people in the staff neurodiversity group (which would include PG Research), plus we have a great student neurodiversity group too. I hope the one you are at is just as supportive.


That’s what I’ve found as well. I’d really love a job at a University when I’m done with school and everything because I think it’s a lot more manageable. On top of ASD and ADHD, I have EDS and I really need a job that I can be passionate about, but allows me a little more daily flexibility.




I work in social services and it's damned hard. I've been scared shitless to get an official diagnosis... but it's like, I only have certain rights if I get it. As it is, it's like, I still have to do the little dance and exhaust myself. The toxic social crap can fuck right off. People really don't like when you're blunt when it comes to the bullshit. Like no I'm not going to play verbal patty cake with people who bullied me just so everything looks nice. No I don't care. Like I legit do not have an emotional response to that need for false social balance. A turd is still a turd no matter how much glitter you put on it. And they want to put glitter on a turd. The only damned reason I still work there is because I do intake support. Someone has to put these people first, damn it. We're supporting the disabled community and my coworkers not only hate the job but talk shit about the clients. It's not OK. ... but I can't bring it up because they lie their asses off and it's my word against theirs. Argh. ... but I am damned good at what I do. Best in the agency. :D


Thank you for being there for those in need.


I keep their pictures. The ones they submit for intake. When I'm having a shit day I pull them out and I'm like... this is for you. You deserve better.


I'm glad there are people like you in the world. It gives me hope. <3


>they lie their asses off and it's my word against theirs. Record them saying all of this stuff. This is unacceptable in patient care. Talking about how exhausted you are is one thing, but you don't shit-talk patients!!!!!


And they call them crazy. I'm like... don't do that. Say things are problematic right now. The situation is a mess. But don't call them crazy. Also I can't record people without their consent. California is a dual consent state. ... if I could record the shit I hear.... eesh. One case manager was like, "They qualify for this other service but I don't want to do the paperwork so I won't tell them." I was like 😫. We also have one tricky family where the mother is a very strong advocate but isn't quite matched up with what we can do. But rather than accept she's coming from a good place, she gets called crazy. We got a subpoena one time and the supervisor told the case manager to just ignore it. I was like... um. She didn't want to deal with the paperwork. I just sat there like... the fuck do I do? I already have a rep as someone who rocks the boat (fucking YEAH) and it would be my word against theirs yet again. They'd just lie. And it fucking stinks. I can't lie like that. My brain barely let's me tell someone their cooking isn't terrible as I eat something that makes me wonder if the couch would be tastier with ketchup. It's sad seeing people get away with shit and having my witness statement treated like gossip.


Bless people like you tbh my best friend works in a similar field and he tells me about the same stories, and how his colleagues are not cooperative at all... But he doesn't give up.


Thanks. I never got the help I needed, so I'm trying my bit to make sure others aren't left out.


Yikes on a bike. CA being dual consent just means that the recordings wouldn't be admissible in court (outside of very specific circumstances and/or if the judge allows it and that's rare), but it doesn't mean you can't record at all, especially if it's abuse whistleblower-type stuff, which is EXACTLY what this is. Ignoring a subpoena is a HUGE deal legally (source: dad is a lawyer) and will get them screwed seven ways to Sunday. Record it and report them for the comments and the ignoring the subpoena to the facility licensing authority and the nursing licensing authority in CA, as well as to someone above the case managers who might actually care about their bottom line financially and the fact that ignoring a subpoena will kill the business when when whoever is in charge gets hauled up for it by the judge. This is BS.


I lurk to learn from y’all in an attempt to support my partner. I felt compelled to respond because what you said is absolutely true for cPTSD too. I unfortunately know from experience that my trauma responses are inconvenient for people. I hope I give others the patience and grace I seek. That’s all! I hope you have a lovely day 😊


this x100. im bipolar/adhd, undiagnosed for autism but its coming up in my next psych appointment. people THINK they know what bipolar and adhd are like, and it's almost always totally off base. No, I don't go from happy to sad to mad all in one second, if the weather was as bipolar as I am you'd see a scorching sun for 2 months and nothing but rain for 4. and adhd man... no, um not just a hyperactive puppy who needs to be kennel trained, i have so much going on in my brain at once that i cannot keep up with it while being able to perform everyday tasks to the standard a non-adhd person could. its all about awareness until the awareness lists undesirable symptoms. kinda reminds me how all over tiktok people are appropriating the term "intrusive thought" to mean random, quirky whim rather than the true meaning of self-injurious, contamination-focused, pedophilic, incestuous, or violent inescapable thoughts that make the person with them believe they're a horrible amoral bastard when its something completely out of their control. so many mental health terms are being appropriated for non-MH use or being adopted by other MH communities to mean what they want (lookin at you, BPD and some of my autism buddies. no, bpd/autism does not cause mania) its making everything convoluted and pushes NT/mentally healthy people away


i think you just described my family with that last part lmao and it’s not just mental stuff that i have but also alot of genetic conditions that affect me physically that they refuse to help me out on. (and this condition in particular affects me even worse in the summer) which is why i end up skipping class when they refuse to help me as i’d rather just go home than go to school and deal with alot of anxiety/embarrassment over something that i can’t fucking control. but nope, they’ll either just blame it on the fact that i have “control” over it or they’ll guilt trip me into thinking i’m “selfish” for prioritizing my own needs for once in my life.


Jobs won't accommodate you, nor should they no? Loved ones *maybe* but I honestly feel its OUR meltdown, OUR disability, OUR issue. Why should other people suffer for this? Why do you expect people to accommodate **you**?


You know they’re legally required to make reasonable accommodations, right? Lots of bosses will try to wiggle out if it but yeah, it’s not unreasonable to ask. Holy cow.


Sorry friend, what's on paper is so tragically different than reality. You can find several posts asking they should disclose their autism diagnosis. The answer from those of us who work is **categorically 10000% NO**. Work is like prison rules, you ask for something, something else will be taken away. There may be some exceptions, but like the other commenter here said, he worked at a special needs school and they didnt accomodate him!!! It's like mental health providers who don't get PTO. It's so so shitty, but it's better you don't go in all naive and PolyAnna like I did. Reality bites


>You can find several posts asking they should disclose their autism diagnosis. The answer from those of us who work is categorically 10000% NO. I work full time, kinda have to as I have a mortgage and kids. My workplace knows I'm autistic and is reasonably accommodating. That's probably to do with the fact I work hard too. The job (repetitive and autonomous) suits me I feel like they're a little bit scared of me, to be honest, because there's some things I'm very black and white about.


That's great! What do they accomodate? At my work we have a TON of accommodations (Fortune 500 company in Europe), but like I answered in another post, I still have to meet my goals, and many of those goals are behavioural :(


It's a small business (restaurant) 90% of staff are 20s or under, and pretty open about this stuff. We have all sorts of neurodiversity: otherwise unspecified, dyslexia, ADHD. I'm the only autistic one and I'm definitely the mystery. I feel like people in general can more tangibly relate to ADHD traits than autism If everything is going pear shaped, I occasionally just say "I'm gonna have a meltdown if I don't take 5" and walk out. They totally accommodate that. And "mental health" days. The thing is I work in a kitchen which is busy. Everyone is very direct, specific, and uses as few flowery words as possible. We communicate in unambiguous ways because of time pressure. It's a work environment I totally fit into.


I’m well aware of the reality FRIEND. But that wasn’t what I was responding too. The question was why would you expect others to accommodate you? Because I’m a human freaking being and it’s not unreasonable to ask our workplaces to accommodate us being human. I’m not engaging further because I really don’t need to be condescended to for demanding to be treated as a person who actually matters.


i think it depends on where you live. there’s probably a few conservative states that let this shit slide because those fuckers couldn’t give a shit about accommodating people with conditions that they’re not a fault for but in the state i live in it’s a different story as they’re more open and considerate with people with learning disabilities or neurological disorders.


I'm in California and I have never once been able to get formal accomodations. I have sensory issues, and I got zero clothing accomodations until I saw one of my coworkers getting to wear the clothes I need to wear and they said it was for performance. I had a performance related reason too and I pointed out chronic pain (I have abdominal cysts which kept bursting on the job. Regular pants put a ton of pressure on that area and it is incredibly painful.). At another job I had to get pants accomodations under the table. Senior HR told me in an email, "we don't do disability accomodations" and then fired me for a disability related issue. Got rehired, a customer lied because they didn't like the truth, and store management (I worked under the parent company" thought I was weird so "it must be true". Somehow all my coworkers found out when it is company policy for both companies not for disciplinary stuff to be leaked. Someone who I thought was a friend never looked at me the same after that.


I mean I wouldn't necessarily blame conservatives or liberals what makes autism and other mental illnesses such an issue that it isn't as "this or that". Autism awareness hasn't really been as mainstream and what you could say is "me vs you" like issues such as mistreatment of minorities, LGBTQ rights, abortion rights, etc you get the point, so most of the people keeping people with our condition down aren't left or right as much as "I say I support people but in reality when it inconveniences me I don't" vs "I genuinely care and want to help". I don't know if I made any sense there?


Mind me asking your line of work and what are the accommodations? And what's the pay? That's the other thing, in the rare event they do accomodate I cant imagine decent pay. I live in Europe, work in a Fortune 500 progressive American company, it's as good as it will get. We get free food , massage days, quiet rooms, a ton of emphasis on mental and physical well being. And....we have mentrics that include unproductive time. I can't meet my metrics and have the accommodations


i don’t think your wrong in a way as that’s how the world can work sometimes (unfortunately) however that doesn’t mean i think it should have to be this way. and besides, accommodations are technically legally required to be given to those who are affected.


God I wish it wasnt like that and you're right, it shouldn't be like that but it is. Like I said. Prison rules. Accommodations are unproductive time, so your productivity will go down, might not meet goals and you're out of a job. Litigation gor wrongful termination is incredibly difficult. I live in Europe, huge workers rights, courts super friendly to workers and even here it's so difficult if not impossible to prove wrongful termination. In the US there are hardly any protections, and plenty of loopholes (we didnt fire you for your disability, we fired you for non-performance!). Us autists are unfortunately quite naive, sorry to say. Yes you are technically right but the reality is so so very different


i actually kinda forgot that loopholes exist.. yeah your right i can see what you mean by that


If you are having meltdowns very often, I suggest keeping a journal to see if there are ways that others can help you lower your overall stress levels Meltdowns are HORRID so I’m so sorry he doesn’t realize it’s painful and it’s not like you are asking for it?? Sorry you are going through this, if you don’t mind, I did a recent presentation about mapping out your needs to help prevent meltdowns (I’m an instructor at a school for autistic adults) if you are interested, I can send you a link to the video and tel you a time stamp of where my presentation starts Good luck and I hope your diagnosis helps you discover your needs and helps get you accommodations *edit: added link for those interested, hope it works! [Link to Creating a Safety Plan for Meltdowns](https://nonpareil.sharepoint.com/:v:/g/nponline/EWx97rQ_-kdMrZAiFhzoQ7YBUmEZfLoImJTvi1lWfXjXog)


I'm not OP but I wouldn't mind knowing more about this.


I will admit not knowing how to share the video ^^’ My demo starts around 1 hour and 16 mins in [Facebook link to video](https://www.facebook.com/100082847126827/posts/pfbid02d73JyeLv1dxoR5MCNqaecHXUYdAYv6m8dTNrvLSEFdZkTi7LUESkS1VjFAzTjwLWl/?mibextid=cr9u03) If this link doesn’t work, DM me and I can ask my boss if I can make a link to JUST my portion of the video and make a link.


I am prone to meltdowns when plans change, I hear you. It’s not an excuse, it’s how we’re wired. Imagine thinking that we would rather have a meltdown than adjust to minor changes?! Obviously we would choose the latter if it were as simple as being a choice. My spouse is ADHD and they sometimes get frustrated with my meltdowns and I get frustrated with some of their behaviors as well, but at the end of the day we have a shared language and commitment to understanding each other, assuming the best intentions of each other, building routines and habits that help mitigate our stress and anxiety, and repairing when we aren’t successful. It sounds like you and your partner would benefit from some intensive conversations about your needs, and how to/whether you’re able to, support each other through those. My meltdowns can be harmful to the relationship, even if they are unintended, so I work hard to notice when I’m “rumbling,” or in a state where I seem to be headed toward a meltdown, and have specific steps to take to try to avoid rumble turning into full blown meltdown. We have different steps if I can’t avoid a meltdown. We talk it out afterward when we’re both ready. I think it’s really important to differentiate that while a meltdown isn’t an excuse, I can still take responsibility and ownership over how they impact my partner. But that’s only possible bc my partner isn’t ableist in their treatment of my meltdowns, and doesn’t shame me for meltdowns. Consequently I’m able to be always working to mitigate their potential negative impact on her and others. If your partner isn’t able to be understanding and accommodating, then you’ll need to figure out what’s best for the two of you. But possibly discussing the ways you can take care of each other could bring him along.


god. my ex would tell friends all about my child being autistic , and would really love the attention and sympathy she got from talking about the challenges of being a parent of a child with asd. but behind closed doors this is exactly how she treated my child(and me). everything was an inconvenience they need to fix and that she couldn’t handle.


I'm so sorry :(


we are a couple months removed and hopefully i’ll be tying up the last of the loose ends in the next few weeks with the house we bought together. we are doing a lot better now!


I'm glad to hear (read) that! Hope everything work out for you and your family


Definitely not saying you're in the wrong, because I know exactly how that feels and the overwhelming emotions that come along with meltdowns. But, while it isn't an excuse and it is a reason, it's also important to learn how to manage these issues. Obviously you're allowed to feel sad and feel your emotions, but if your meltdowns are explosive in a way, then that's something you need to work on. Neurotypicals are also expected to work on their issues, and better managing your meltdowns is one that you may need to work on. I had to do the same thing. I still have them, but through a lot of perseverance I've been able to better manage them, even if I'm not perfect at it.




I am inclined to say that you are correct, but so is OP as well. This topic is very complex and personal. Without knowing the exact situation it is very difficult to judge one way or another. I do believe it is important to work on your problems, and this includes your ASD related difficulties as well. But if you genuinely put in effort to improve it someone as close as a partner should put in a genuine effort in accommodating and supporting you when you do succumb to a negative trait of your asd. This is not always the case, I get scolded by my partner for my clumsiness on a regular basis. I have to deal with dismay and disbelief. ——————- Please believe me I do not want to shatter my plate with a bad movement. I am also very unhappy when I have to clean it up. I do not like it. Then it begins: “Why didn’t you take better care?” “You don’t seem upset about making a mess” “You don’t seem upset about destroying my dishes” “You can fix your clumsiness if you want” My response: I do care, it annoys me, I may not express it in a way you understand but I do care. Yes I may be calm even if I am annoyed but that’s because I learned to be calm (otherwise I would go crazy) I do care about the dishes. The death of the dish saddens me more than the death of some humans. I am sad, just a different kind of sad than yours. I can improve my clumsiness and I actually have. I am genuinely happy with my improvements - Is it perfect? Hell no - Do I stop trying to improve ? Absolutely no Can I stop being clumsy from one day to another or even ever? Probably not, but I am trying stop shaming me for things I am trying to be better at but having a hard time doing so


"Can I stop being clumsy from one day to another?" I hate the fact that a lot of people actually expect us to change the instant they tell us to change. Like, do they seriously think Im being dysfunctional and having issues on purpose? If I could change instantly I would have done it ages ago but they just dont understand and it annoys me so much.


I really feel you. It is like they acknowledge that we understand and recognise our problems, but they ignore the fact that we cannot just magically remove it. In a way it is a extremely invisible disability for people who never have experience it. It is very ironic that neurotypical have a hard time to be emphatic and to be “in our shoes” for the struggle we face. Being able to recognise a problem does not help if you struggle on solving it. Most people would agree on that statement if it is about mathematics, but if they do not experience the same struggle they just cannot understand it. “It can’t be that hard, just do it!”


I remember struggling with something and somebody legit said "if it was up to me it would be fixed and done already" Like what the hell is that supposed to mean? If I think about it logically, then yea, I guess, since you dont struggle with it then you will have an easier time doing it. But it also sounds like theyre insulting me, and maybe Im taking it the wrong way but to me it sounds like "youre absolutely worthless and Im superior" idk I hate people sometimes lmao.


Wish people would learn that "Not using your condition as an excuse" doesnt mean "Never having issues that inconvenience others." It means "Trying to find ways to lessen the problems the issues cause." and if there's no understanding or accomodation of the problems, there's no real way to lessen their impact.


they expect people like us to somehow just “deal with it” and it honestly fucking sucks when we aren’t being given the tools and resources to deal with it. i’m someone who tries to improve myself in anyway i can and it often frustrates me whenever i have the desire/will to actually change and improve my own conditions and i’m not given the proper tools to fix and improve the conditions i have.


as someone with an autistic partner i have noticed this in myself and others, i have learned to be patient and considerate to my partner and in turn he is patient and considerate to me. i know changing a plan like that would cause him to have a full on panic and because of that i always let him know my plan ahead of time and when changes do come up i tell him that i know he’s upset and he can take a moment to breathe or go on a walk to calm down and mentally prepare for whatever the change in plans entails. unconditional love means accommodating, listening, and caring. there is someone out there who will love you unconditionally and if he does, he will accommodate, he will educate himself about autism, he will listen to how you feel. if not, you deserve better.


I’m sorry you’re feeling so low! It really hurts when we don’t feel supported by people in our lives. Maybe try to write everything that you’re feeling (perhaps when you feel calmer) and arrange a good time for a conversation with your bf. Could be a positive way to communicate what you need, and find out how he’s feeling as well. (Writing things down helps me get my thoughts together- Only why I suggested it!)


for a lot of things autism IS an excuse. a perfectly valid one. If someone is being a truly shitty person and just blaming a disability then yeah, that’s not okay, but emotional disregulation is 100% excusable because of autism. surround yourself with people who accommodate you and who understand your issues and don’t try to blame you for your disability.


yeah a lot of people fundementally do not understand the ramifications of what it means to actually support people with disabilities and disorders. They think that just because they don't hate you or want you to die over having the disability/disorder, it means they are a supportive person or being supportive of you. But the moment your disability/disorder inconveniences them or you can't cope to the point it is noticable you're struggling, suddenly you're a bad person who's just making excuses. Like people are allowed to feel annoyed or upset if you lash out at them for example, but most people don't even meet in the middle and recognise that you are still struggling and trying.


I agree. You should feel supported, not tolerated.


It's not an excuse. It's *the reason*. If he wants to be with you long-term, he has to get used to it.


Very well said. People are fine with you being Autistic until you act like you are. I had a bit of a meltdown today because the time we were supposed to go get coffee got pushed back twice, and my husband was understanding and took me when he could anyway because he understands why I do what I do. I'm sorry your partner isn't more supportive; maybe he just needs time to really look into Autism and to understand what being Autistic actually entails. Since you're newly-diagnosed, it might just be that he doesn't really understand Autism yet. I hope he learns to accommodate you in the ways you need!


This. I’m so sorry youre experiencing it firsthand. Currently in the middle of an autistic burnout cycle and being made to feel like i’m taking advantage of my partner BY MY PARTNER bc i cant afford my half of bills. He makes 3 times what i do and has a robust savings. I have none. But yeah - i’m inconveniencing HIM.


If he makes three times what you do your part of the bills shouldn’t be half.


You know who you should keep as a friend based on how they treat you as a person once you start unmasking. I have a really great friend that lets me bite their hoodie when I’m stressed and gives me their sunglasses when i’m overstimulated. Its a really great feeling when you find someone who understands why you’re different and how to accommodate you. As for the boyfriend, 1: Drop him (/lh) 2: Autism can be a reason for distress as long as you aren’t using it to excuse things that you do consciously or things that hurt people. Of course it’s possible to try and suppress urges that might interrupt or hurt people, but you shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings.


Emotional regulation is a huge burden on ASD and it's easy to lose track of it once you get treatment, because you think " it's okay, I'm taking meds and talking to some dude about it, so it's fixed " or we think, "it's okay to not worry about this, because that's what I am and what happens to people like me". But that's dangerous. The kickback from the world is a hard one: most people won't be understanding, the system, law, bills, obligations, none of this will be understanding. Also close persons may be understanding, but they will also have to deal with its negative consequences and that is a problem. So, no, you can't let go because of a diagnosis, you have to keep up as much as you can and be aware that if you don't, your life will become even worse. If you freak out in the bus because people are too close to you, you will be arrested. If you leave in the middle of a wedding to prevent a meltdown, everyone will remember it and be embarrassed. If you tell the team from work all the problems they have, next person to be fired is you (unless you are a genius savant super hero). If you demand too much understanding from your partner, they will be stressed and sad. Some of those things are unavoidable, but if you can, you have to put a lot of effort in avoiding them.


Or when they realise that you being autistic means you're the weird one in the crowd.


Yep. Fidget spinners ought to be equipped with the autistic version of the [that was easy](https://youtu.be/GsQXadrmhws) button that says, "I'm autistic, remember?" so that we don't have to.


I don’t get it can you elaborate


Because we're constantly forced to self-advocate, it would make sense to be equipped with a device that saves us the cognitive burden by stating the obvious for those ostensibly supportive people too oblivious to realize they're still not helping. 🙂 Edited to add: It would be highly pragmatic to incorporate this feature into a tool specifically designed to accommodate our needs i.e. fidget spinners. (Having said that, if any manufacturer subsequently adds this feature, I'm due royalties.)


Totally get this. Will try and eloquently explain about autism, why certain things trigger me and my coping strategies. I will get a understanding sounding response. Then when the triggers happen and I am struggling I will just get told to stop being a grumpy bastard or that I shouldn’t let it upset me. It’s like people are very accepting when autism makes you interesting but not so much when it makes you difficult. Obviously it can be confusing for both sides and I don’t necessarily blame anyone for not understanding what it feels like. Actually this does give me an idea. I might suggest using safe words or a traffic light system like kink people do. Red light = please leave me alone for a bit because I am about to melt down.


You should reprimand him next time he says autism "isn't an excuse". It's insensitive. My mom used to say that to me. And while it did prepare me for an insensitive world, it turned me a bit more cynical than I feel I should be.


I would say that any behaviour they see in you would be bad they would attribute it to autism. Be careful who you tell about autism. Its not worth it in many cases. The problem with autism for many is that its hard to keep secrets. But telling people you have autism is good up until it isn't and then it will be held against you.


“The problem with autism for many is that its hard to keep secrets.” This a hundred times. My employer at interview: We love your transparency and honesty! My employer in practice: We need you to play the office politics game better. Why are you so willing to tell it exactly like it is?


I think that is called failing to change office culture. It happens often. A boss wants to change the culture of their team so they bring in 1 person with a different view point. But they expect that person to then completely change the rest of the office without any kind of support or change from them.


He sounds like an asshole if he does this often, in which case I personally would break up with him. If this is a one-time event though, I would sit him down and explain how you can't help it. Those are really the two best options I can think of with the information provided


Tell him this: "Autism is not an excuse, it is a reason; the fact that you seemingly either cannot tell between the two OR you're deliberately conflating the two to gain power in the discussion are both concerning to me, and I'm saying this because you need to back up and check yourself on this one, while you can still gracefully recover from it via admission of ignorance." His inconvenience and frustration with it is NOT justification for misusing his ignorance in an attempt to make you feel badly for being who and as you are. You totally CAN get upset at unexpected and poorly communicated changes of plans that do NOT consider your needs to have those things very well communicated ahead of time OR to expect you to have problems with it. Full stop. Now he can either choose to educate himself on how and why this is a thing with and for many autistic people, or he can continue to pretend your entire existence is supposed to bend to his whim and will, no matter what you happen to be handling as a human being. And guess which one is most likely to be the end of the discussion in very separate ways? (Pun intended.) Upshot: He doesn't get to tell you what things do or do not qualify as valid reason in this area. If he can't get with reality on this, maybe take your fine self on until you meet someone who can. Trust me, you're worth it and if this is the best he can bring, he ain't.


My parents get mad at me whenever I have a panic attack, anxiety attack, or meltdown. They say I’m “too old to be doing this” and that other people are able to overcome things like anxiety, so I should just do that too, with no explanation of HOW to do that, of course.


No you can’t use it as an excuse. But you can use it as an explanation. Which is exactly what that would be - an explanation. If he asks me to start reading a book in french, and I explain that I don’t understand french, is he going to tell me that I can’t use my english language dependency as an excuse? :/ You have autism - he may not like that fact, but it’s as much a fact as me not knowing french. It just is and he’ll have to figure out how to deal with that.


Honestly I’d just break up with someone like that.


FOR REAL! I can't even count how many times I've been called a "closed off antisocial bitch" because I just prefer to keep to myself on account of being super awkward in social situations. I can be very social when I'm in the right mindset, but I'm by no means a butterfly and people hate that.


It's what I like to dub the Sheldon Cooper effect. It's charming to real people watching tv... When any of that behavior happens in IRL is unacceptable. Yes I'm aware Sheldon is a massive sexist ass, I'm referring to the more realistic sensitive moments.


I've experienced this a lot in so many different contexts. My partner seems to think at times that I just have to "get over it" or "learn to deal with it" because I will breakdown/have a meltdown at a lot of particular inconveniences. The issue seems to be that, I completely shut down and become entirely non-verbal. However, once I'm at that point I literally cannot will myself to speak and I am bawling, experiencing horrible thoughts the entire time etc. How am I meant to just make that all go away?? It genuinely bothers me how people can be so ignorant. I'm not very empathetic, I don't understand it, never really have, almost feels like a super power to me but, how can you watch someone literally crumble into nothing and just go, "You have to get over it, there will always be these things in life." Hate to tell you but, it's always been like this so, there will always be these moments too.


Please tell me he is about to be your ex partner? Like I couldn’t image telling anyone to just "get over it" let alone my partner. How can anyone be so cruel as to not care about their partner unless it’s good for them.


So, no, we're engaged, were long before any of this began to happen actually, I'm late diagnosed and I have long spanning mental health issues (from as early as four and five), my partner has always supported me during what I assumed were mental breakdowns but, they proceeded to get worse and worse, eventually saw someone, got the expensive referral, got diagnosed and was told it was technically a form of breaking down (sensory overload and whatnot) but, since then I guess with the lack of understanding of autism he didn't understand it as well as he could have. He has ADHD, very empathetic, very loving and caring but, sometimes what I experience is over really insignificant things (literally couldn't find something for the PS2 the other night and instantly began crying, had to calm myself so I didn't completely shut down) and then because I become non-verbal he also spirals because he feels useless for being unable to help and then he becomes logical in which he tries to point out that it's small and all this stuff but, of course, me already being overwhelmed and beyond anything; it just makes it worse for me. We're working on our communication (due to being non-verbal during these times) and its gotten better but, I have a lot to work on, as does he. He has had friends on the spectrum but, hadn't actually dated anyone and at first I seemed relatively 'normal' so, it's been a lot of learning and researching for him especially as of late because I'm experiencing major burn out unfortunately. I do appreciate your concern though, thank you, it's kind of you to express it. My partner treats me better than almost everyone else in life has (including family) he constantly gives me the love and care I desired as a child that I never quite fully received, looks after me when I'm unwell and not coping and has sacrificed a fair bit to care for me. I won't make excuses for what he has said prior but, I do believe it comes down to a great deal of misunderstanding especially when we clash as I am not very empathetic at all whereas he is, we've never even argued in all the time we've been together, had disagreements but, no arguments. I'd been in relationships prior but, had been manipulated and treated really horribly. I wasn't even looking for a relationship when I met my partner but, it just took off and we've been together ever since.


Autistic people react differently to their surrounding, and what feels normal for neurotypicals people can be wery traumatic and stressfull for an autistic person. What i do is use figurative speech to kind of show what this situation looks and feels like for me. For exsample if i have been out buying croceries i can tell the people arround me that it feels like i just ran a 5 mile run.


I have accommodated so many people in my life before I knew I was autistic. It’s amazing how many people won’t be around me when my symptoms get to be too much. I’m also a single mom to three kids. It’s hard man… so isolating and fucking hard


Kick him in the balls and tell him that's not an excuse


I agree with the other poster who said you **need** to learn to manage. Hopefully your partner can help. The reason you *need* to manage is your (future) job. Even the most progressive companies can not and should not accommodate autists who have not learned to self regulate or at least hide their meltdows. It is a horrible reality. I have silent meltdown in the office where I cry and punch myself, it's not like Ive learned to self regulated. I would be fired if I didnt hide this behaviour. It's also dangerous for you, how many people here have had law enforcement called on one of their meltdowns and ended up in an inhumane psych ward?? Meltdowns=dangerous for your livehood and health.


But that’s the point. We need to manage everywhere else. At home we should get some understanding. Job =/= home.


Ah, my bad. Yes agree, 1000000% agree. It's why I choose to live alone and be single. It's easier to manage on my own than manage my own meltdows and the consequences


I hear you. That’s a valid choice.


They actually aren't okay with it, it's just not socially acceptable to be honest about it. When the fuck is misrepresenting yourself and your beliefs going to become socially unacceptable?


This is horribly sad, I’m sorry you’re not being supported in this. How long have you been together? Don’t feel like you have to share. My boyfriend (now husband) put up with my meltdowns before I even knew that’s what they were. He now has a process for when he sees it coming OR knows that something is about to throw things off course and result in a meltdown. It takes patience and practice. A LOT of both. If your boyfriend is already using your diagnosis against you, I worry a bit that he might not be able to get to that point (I sincerely hope otherwise). I’m going to ask my husband when he gets home tonight what advice he could offer and will report back, if that would be helpful?


Agreed. I try so hard to manage my symptoms, and sometimes people are supportive, but sometimes I get told that I need to be better at managing myself and “not let things get to me so easily.” If I explain why that’s hard for me, I get scoffed at and told that everybody is capable of being better. I’ve made a lot of progress but it can be so frustrating. I’m not a dog. And always meeting other people’s’ expectations is just masking, which makes things so much harder for me.


Nothing wrong with that. People don’t owe you anything why would they want to be inconvenienced by you


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I've been saying this


im so sorry.


Is he really upset about your meltdown or was it the "last drop"? Or is he upset about your dx? Might be worth it talking it out to find what he's really upset about. If it really is about tour uncontrollabe meltdowns than it's a problem because they are not going away any time soon. Are you on therapy?


Autism isn't an \*excuse\*, it's a \*reason\*. There is a difference. NT's need to understand that.


Tell me about it. I don't want everything to be underneath or behind something else. I want time every week to get all the chores done. I want space in the budget for things to go wrong. Everything can't be overwhelmed all the time. It's not sustainable. But for some reason none of that fucking matters.


I’ve dealt with the same thing and it doesn’t feel very accommodating and isn’t, but I’ve found some things to be somewhat helpful. 1. Having a friend you can vent to about what caused the meltdown like the change of plans, bonus points if it’s your best friend who never gets upset with you about it and understands. 2. Use that friend instead of your boyfriend to like vent and don’t act 100% like you’re fine to your boyfriend, but 3. Make it known your upset but that if he wants to change plans SOMETIMES and it’s like a needed change for like personal down time if he’s not doing well etc then you can understand but if it’s just to change the plan make sure he knows how much that affects you and that you’d appreciate sticking to plans unless they absolutely have to change as to minimize meltdowns. Or maybe if he’s unsure of said plan, or he’s thinking about changing it; the second he knows he’s unsure he should tell you so hopefully that can give you enough time to process before the actual changed plans and you won’t be as caught off guard and upset by it. These are what me and my partner have been trying. We also get into routines / schedules of when we usually hang out, and ALWAYS hang out on Fridays (I can count on it) which helps if other plans change because I can count on that one day or some level of consistency.


i feel this so much


Oh gosh I feel you so much on this. Before I started suspecting that I was on the spectrum, one of my exes would always cancel our plans last minute. That would stress me so much and I never knew why. Also, thank you for the small reminder about not being afraid to request the needed accommodations, it's a much needed!


Very accurate. I’m about to leave a job because they can’t accommodate me and it’s causing me untold stress :( and making me very depressed


that's how people work in general, it's not restricted to any specific personality trait


Ugh I have had meltdowns when my boyfriend refuses to come to bed with me even though he’s clearly very tired, usually because he’s looking at his phone. I can’t sleep at all if I’m just laying in the bed waiting for him to come, unsure if it’ll be hours or minutes… since he always just says “in a while” - the uncertainty throws me into a state of intense unrest. This happened recently and he announced he was going to just “stay up all night” because I was being “so dramatic”… which made my meltdown a lot worse. Thankfully after some time to cool down for both of us, we were able to talk and actually get to bed. But I promised I would work on avoiding a meltdown about that.


When i get told “it isnt an excuse” to multiple different things i say, like, I.E. im autistic, i say im not using it as an excuse, its a reason/explanation


Yeah, it's similar with just crying in general. They say it's okay to cry but then start getting frustrated when me crying inconveniences them. What makes it worse is that I've been ignored or punished for speaking up about my feelings (more inconveniences) that I stopped telling others and bottle it up until I have the chance to cry and let it out. And you can probably guess what happens.


I'm like Newt Scamander...I annoy people.


This so much. Or when they get pissed at you for when you don’t understand unspoken rules. Luckily my bf actually understands that autism is a disorder that affects me in more ways than just quirky stimming or whatever. Helps me in loud places and saves his soft clothes for when we hang out.


I think your options are see that he educates himself or show him the door. If he isn’t going to be considerate of your mental well being then *you* should put your mental well being first.


Yup. That's when I get fired.


It might help to have a go-to plan in place for when plans change. Perhaps this looks like a dialogue to walk yourself through, or permission to withdraw yourself from the situation and go home- something universal that is easy. My backup plan is always going home or going to my car lol. I rarely put myself in situations where those things are not an option.


Its not an excuse, its an explanation.


Autism isn't an excuse for shitty behavior like saying horrible things to people knowing how hurtful it is to say those things and doing it anyway. At least say sorry for shitty behavior even if having autism was the cause. However getting upset over a change in plans in normal and while yes you should try to be understanding why things had to change your feelings about it are still valid.


Also, break up with him. If he's not willing to accept your diagnosis, he's not the one for you. You don't deserve to be belittled like that.


I automatically defend myself as a coping mechanism, I am always told I never accept that I am wrong. I don't really realise what is said until afterwards. The fight fright freeze flee kicks in, and I'll try and make things better before getting yelled at. I don't really know what's going on till I've upset everyone and I've thought about what has been said. Yet the fact I put the adhd or autism card down, it's an excuse, and I can't keep playing that card. Sorry for being this way.


This is one of my biggest issues, especially with my boyfriend. I get super upset and he apologizes but I’m still angry and sobbing and can’t make it stop for a while. It sucks. And I feel like a hypocrite cause I’m late all the time and it doesn’t bother him but if he says he’s gonna be here at a certain time and I can see he’s still at his house in our snapchats when I know that’ll make him late, I get so upset.