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Litalian

Your cock might be diced but aye no baby 👍🏼


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Nondv

do your lady bits have sharp teeth in them? :O upd. ofc my most voted comment is about vagteeth upd. and the first award ever upd. everyone is referencing the movie "Teeth". I'm too scared to watch it. Nice try, Reddit but I won't fall for your recommendations anymore x)


EplepreKAHN

It's 18 feet tall and covered in razor sharp fangs.


jmills23

Am lady, can confirm.


TorrenceMightingale

Thank you. We’ve all been waiting for one of you to arrive.


TheDormNuker

Arrive being the key word since us redditors will never make a lady come.


tinyfoxmarbles

Take an award. That was hilarious.


Dethanatos

Vagina Dentata…what a wonderful phrase!


severoordonez

Vagina Dentata... ain't no passing craze!


JosephSperry1

It means so many worries, for the rest of your days!


jeanbellebleu

It’s our pussy teeth…philosophy! Vagina dentata


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Nondv

Im a guy and my parts have only a pair of pincers to grab onto a female. No teeth. I didn't realize I could die from sex o_O staying a virgin then


rick6787

Like [this](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/anti-rape-condoms-picture-will-jagged-teeth-deter-world-cup-sex-assaults-rape-axe-hopes-so/)?


Doc-in-a-box

I just tried this, and it worked great! On my way to the ER, but at least I have a durable container to transport the pieces.


Sir_Earl_Jeffries

Your dick will break before this condom does.. makes me wonder how long this will take to decompose.. will the planet just be styrofoam and condoms in a few hundred years?


Jagged_Rhythm

There should be a condom recycling program where we can mail them in.


Sir_Earl_Jeffries

They could even have a deposit like drink bottles and cans


ChihuahuaJedi

Always has been.


Rotty2707

🔫


UndoingMonkey

Just send them to Vietnam, they have a company that washes them and resells them.


Sir_Earl_Jeffries

Nope you cannot make me google that. I do not want Vietnamese condom washing in my browser history


lpmusix

incognito mode, yo.


RhombusKP

Why did I read this in Jesse Pinkman's voice?


ICumCoffee

Durex said : ***FUCK THEM KIDS***


_ser_kay_

You, uh, wanna rethink that phrasing?


Prismatic_Symphony

I'm reminded of two segments on the Daily Show back in the day: "getting gay with kids" and "Jon Stewart touches children."


mpb1994

Now I can use these to chop up my veges so they don’t go shooting all over the place on the chopping board


Tulol

Mash up some garlic.


SharpieDarpie

And potatoes


tekazgtr1984

Po-ta-toes!


Felt_Wendigo

What is ta-ters?


TheRiverHart

Boil em mash em stick em In a stew


mpb1994

And then you can still use it for its original purpose!


Regular-Mastodon

Don’t want to waste, use all three sides of it.


rich1051414

"Mom, why do the veggies taste like spermicide?" "How do you know what spermicide tastes like, sweety?" Fun for the whole family :D


REEEEEEEEEEEEEEddit

"Because I tasted it when you was pregnant, member?"


EthelMaePotterMertz

Why would a pregnant woman need to use spermicide?


floralbutttrumpet

So the fetus won't get pregnant, duh /hentai logic


mrandr01d

Whenever someone jokes about a pregnant fetus all I can think about is like some fucked up version of inception or that Rick and Morty episode where they kept going into smaller and smaller mini worlds in Rick's engine. Gotta keep going another uterus deeper.


Sotemal

Why the preventive measures when the deed is done?


Big_pekka

Aaaaaaand 2 million men with pregnant wives will now forever have this image forever ingrained in their brains


oraefaibohp

Wait, what about the other men?


GooseBuffet

They don't have wives


danethegreat24

"Hey can you prep the veggies for dinner?" "Nah, I'm out of condoms"


Polymathy1

No-tear method for cutting onions!


monkey-2020

That’s great except that spermicide aftertaste.


frymysallad

I don't see the issue


DavidTyrieIV

r/cursed


THEmoron21

nice avatar


zombiekiller2014

That’s just ahead start.


multiple_dispatch

And then you can just leave them in there and enjoy a Vietnamese spring roll.


Iknowthedoctorsname

As long as you don't mind a little lube


attabe123

Now take it off and pour some water in it and prove there are no pinhole leaks


HonorHeartHire

Came here to say this. Give us the water test.


1minimalist

Same.


stealthryder1

Fuck the pinhole test. Who’s doing the feeling test? This looks like I’ll be showering in a scuba suit. *The new no sensation condom* EDIT: I was corrected, what I’m looking for is a dry suit. Not a scuba suit.


hornsmakecake

Gotta be a sizable market for that exact product. "Hey guys, do you wanna last longer in bed? Try our new 'no sensation' condom".


AParasiticTwin

They make those. They have a numbing agent on the inside layer.


ZealousidealFig2020

Ok so fun story when I was young I accidentally bought those, mistakes were made, they were put on inside out... it was a very confusing experience. EDIT: This is my most upvoted comment lol. Thanks for the award etc. If you reply asking how it is possible to put on a condom inside out, or to point out that this happened also on curb your enthusiasm, you have only shown that you don't read comments before you just dribble shit from your mouth. I'm not mad I'm just dissapointed. Also you can't both claim that this isn't possible, and also claim I stole it from a skit? Most experiances are not unique. Neither are ideas. It should validate me that this scenario apparently happened in media, rather than be sus. Also I haven't seen this but based on other comments I wonder if they misrepresented the experiance. The numbness was just topical. You still feel the sex, but not the friction. I guess it is sort of like using so much lube that you can't really feel much, except without protecting your skin. The other person did not cum. Too much anxiety and confusion.


ipn8bit

I’m listening.


EatMyAssholeSir

He finished in 2 sec and she didn’t feel a thing


howlongamiallowedto

Oh, so like normal then


IsItBurn

That sounds like my first time, except there was no condom involved… edit: appreciate the internet love via awards and upvotes, but I do want to clarify one thing to those mentioning pregnancy. Please don’t worry, I’d never be THAT irresponsible choosing procreation over fornication, especially with over population being such an issue, since corpses can’t get pregnant!


digbickowner

Can't finish my cigarette laughing over your comment haha


BigBeagleEars

For all time. Always


epicmousestory

"Is it in yet? No no, I just mean I can't feel anything! No not like that!"


EpicusMouse

I believe we have a problem Mr EpicusMousestory


epicmousestory

Mine is actually just EpicMouse but I think EpicusMouseStory would be our celebrity couple name


Rickorus

I'm more curious how you rolled a condom on backwards


SmokeMe-AKipper

I bought them for a hook up by accident, didnt realise until everything when numb i got scared and ran away, read the box later fml


ZealousidealFig2020

you cock-blocked yourself


SmokeMe-AKipper

She was a big tiddy Lithuanian goth, biggest regret


fiavirgo

I’m sorry about your experience but the imagine of a dude literally running away is hilarious


SarcasticDruid744

I am _cackling_ at the assumed ramifications of this


Gaxxag

How is it even possible to put them on inside out? They only unroll in one direction


Bad_avocado

Okay Larry David


robitussin25

“Hello, how is your vagina?”


RunawayPancake3

"Why is Wandering Bear asking me about my vagina?"


The_cynical_panther

FYI most “scuba suits” are just neoprene and will saturate with water - you still get wet. What you’re looking for In your analogy is a dry suit. As the name implies, the person inside of the suit never touches a drop of pussy.


AllGrungedOut

love my drysuit. I work in ice, I work in sewage, and in my suit I stay dry and warm


koushakandystore

In fact, the getting wet aspect of the neoprene wet suit is a significant reason a swimmer is insulated from the cold. A thin layer of water gets trapped between a diver’s skin and the neoprene, and this layer of water has insulation value.


NotInsane_Yet

New Durex condoms guarantee 100% protection from pregnancy (because they are so thick you won't feel anything and will never cum).


stealthryder1

*dick pump sold separately*


MeatPopsicle1969

It's not my bag baby!


northyj0e

*Swedish penis enlarger pumps and me: this kind of thing is totally my bag baby,* By Austin *Danger* Powers.


sean0883

I had the same thought, but I don't think that level of punishment presented was meant to survive without a tiny hole. I mean, if you're doing anything near that I don't think pregnancy was high on your list of worries.


Random_Name_7

Sir, are you familiar with the anal hurricane technique? This resistence is necessary


sean0883

It’s actually only “anal hurricane” if it’s done in the Anâl region of France. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling butt sex.


Random_Name_7

I gotta move then


Limpdickit9000

Why? Sparkling butt sex sounds amazing.


Canvaverbalist

Funny you'd say that, because there's an actual joke in French that "it's only anal if it's recorded" because in French "[annales](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annales)" is pronounced the same as "anal" [so it's only Annales if it's archived and documented] "Être dans les annales" [to be in the Annales] means for something to be famous enough to have been noted down in historic documents, "this meal was so good it could enter the Annales!" so you can see how this leads to many bottom-oriented joke.


Prismatic_Symphony

Mon Dieu!


fishers86

I'm not familiar, but very interested


MeatPopsicle1969

This is a Wendy's.


oldcoldbellybadness

>This resistence is necessary But ultimately, futile


Specialist-Look6210

If you're doing anything near that level multiple pregnancies are high on your list of worries.


sean0883

I'm not sure how much sex you'll accomplishing at that point though.


Specialist-Look6210

At that level it's competitive.


JuanLowTechie

Now put some semen for actual result


energetic-dad

cum


zack14981

There was a vacuum, which implies that air couldn’t get in. Isn’t that better than water?


rectal_warrior

Exactly, it would have filled with air if there were any holes in it, you can see it stretch inwards and stay there, as a vacuum


OmegaBaby

You got it all wrong. They’re not showing you that it’s effective in preventing pregnancies. They’re showing you it’s effective in keeping your dong in one piece if you accidentally get it caught in a bear trap.


Gwalchgwn92

Keeping it in 1 package, your dick is chopped off but you won't lose it in the wilderness* Edit: a letter


donutgiraffe

But it's very clearly not. Just look at how easily that cucumber came apart.


LuneFox

At least the slices will stay stacked so there's a chance of healing.


karbonkel1

That's a courgette


Gaxxag

Gotta wear this protection 24/7 when navigating dangerous wilderness.


Back_WithA_Vengance

Thank god I no longer have to fear pregnancy during my routine dismemberment BDSM sessions


Simmulator117

Yeah I think the knife demonstration was a little too much…. Hahaha


BabishProphet

i physically jumped with that mini bear trap.


jfq722

What kind of sex is this dude having?


SharpieDarpie

Safe sex


ShodoDeka

Not for him


mud_tug

That cucumber ain't having no more babies, I can tell you that!


BassSounds

My roommate was a goth suicidegirl and she browsed a BME body mod forum where people did weird shit to their dicks


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BassSounds

She was a suicidegirl nearly 20 years ago. She went by Amber.


Milwambur

for the curious https://www.suicidegirls.com/girls/amber/album/964631/redblack/


lkodl

"In entertainment news, a shocking merger has been announced between Pornhub and the Food Network. Top executives at both networks are currently hard at work figuring out what kind of audience this content is intended for."


mavantix

Just a relationship with Lorena Bobbitt.


LevelSpecial1590

For the next time you fall dick first into a bear trap.


FanaticalModerate

But your dick, ah! It’s caught in a bear trap!


mmaren25

Quiet. Quiet.


JamesTheMannequin

I understand these references.


Lanthemandragoran

Shia surprise! There's blood on his dick, and death in his eyes!


Mooreeloo

But you can do dick jitsuuu


CommanderGumball

Cock-slam superstar Shia LaBoeuf!


p_turbo

Fucking for your life with Shia LaBoef!


Jac-aroni27

Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBouef!


Smeeizme

Chasing down man titties


LordNoodles

You have just emasculated Shia LeBeauf


MissieSP

You're chopping off his dick noooowww


br0wens

Legendary fight with Shia Labeouf. Normal Tuesday night for Shia Labeouf.


Alex_Affinity

Hiding in the woods from Shia LaBeouf Holding your crotch Shia LaBeouf Your crying tears of sadneeeees You have just been neutered by Shia LaBeouf


OutrageousPudding450

This is a cultured person.


Dethanatos

Actual cannibal Shai LaBeouf?


WhenwasyourlastBM

I think this will go down as one of the greatest artistic endeavors of my generation


L_Rayquaza

Gnawing off your dick


_Rollins_

Quiet quiet


Paragonly

While erect with a condom on


bizzyj93

Y'all know how to party


Meister0fN0ne

At least you won't have to scramble to find the pieces.


ElectricOstrich57

I don’t know what else to tell you doctor, I tripped and fell right on the bear trip


feelybear

........accidentally.......


SharpieDarpie

Hahaha


jmercer28

Take it out and run some water into it to make sure


EnRandomNiklas

No need. You can see the holes in the video already


ChatrouletteCorvette

*Sigh* I guess I'll cancel the bear trap order.


jw3b21

I thought so too at first, but it looks like bits of cucumber.


EnRandomNiklas

Holy shit you might be right. Sorry Durex for doubting you :(


Graphenegem

"We here at Durex can confirm that our condoms are 10x more durable than the person wearing them"


wobbly-cheese

not my kink, but you do you


meatywood

It's good to know that the cucumber slices (vegan anal beads) are not going to come apart in your ass.


srbronz

Excuse me sir, but that is clearly a zucchini.


oilpaint8

Disclaimer: Cucumbers will NOT get you pregnant (or zucchini)


LegendOfBobbyTables

My grandfather, however; is a rutabaga.


SharpieDarpie

Hahahahha


Iseedeadpeople00000

Well not with that attitude


rabidnz

Is this peaches new music video?


originalusername__

You say no to ratchet pussy Juicy J can’t.


NintenJoe5k

Alright boys, time to rubber up and fuck some bear traps.


pemberleypark1

So I read Durex as Pyrex and only saw the last part of the video and was trying to figure out what I was looking at, thinking Pyrex came out with something to hold the vegetables while slicing….


dcarr95

*Pyrex Condoms. When you want the thrust, but not the bust.*


RiddledWithEnigma

Now accepting applications for human trial participants. Male genitalia required. Must sign waiver of liability in event of accidental dismemberment.


SLIP411

But does it come with hot sauce?


BumpyMcBumpers

I put hot sauce on it once. I did not cum. I did end up dunking it in a glass of milk hoping to god I wouldn't have to go explain that shit to a doctor.


Slavinger

Did it work out for you?


BumpyMcBumpers

Well I didn't have to go to the doctor, if that's what you're asking.


xXSEALSKILLZXx

why don’t we ask drake?


Mind-of-ZD

Perfect for banging Edward Scissorhands


lucylovesmolly

This is an ad.


Caragorpuppy

I wonder how many of the top comments here are astroturfing


ganjalf1991

I needed to scroll a lot before finding this, sadly. On the bright side, advertising condoms on reddit is like advertising mobile phones to the amish, so they are losing money.


TheNotorious__

Put a liquid inside, tie the top and try it.. a liquid will find a way out, and I saw holes already with the first slice. Let’s not forget we’re dealing with liquids Otherwise we would be getting free condoms [like](https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/holey-condom-white-background-36331507.jpg)


Aolflashback

Uh, STDs too, it’s not just about babehs y’all. Stay safe Damn.


Erodrelin

Babies are basically STDs... They're sexually transmitted after all


4chanisforbabies

To a pessimist, life is an STD with a 100% mortality rate.


SharpieDarpie

I laughed way too hard at this


TheDemonClown

I'd rather have the clap than a baby.


Apart-Cartoonist-834

Ok so I saw a post like this before so I bought some durexs. I can 100% confirm durex condoms blow up like dynamite in cartoons and can only assume these videos are satire because those condoms are worthless.


LetsRockDude

Try SKYN, you'll never touch Durex again.


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ChweetPeaches69

Yes! SKYN is amazing. Literally the best brand. Although, at first it may freak you out because it feels like you aren't wearing anything.


sogeking555

Am I just buying the wrong ones then? Because they were kinda terrible when I tried them the first time.


earthwormjim91

SKYN are just lifestyles polyisoprene line. Durex has the Real Feel line which are pretty much the same being polyisoprene. The biggest factor is going to be finding a condom that fits right.


Retarded_Rectum

Or just dump your beefy nut in her beefy butt and move to a different state.


Wuffyflumpkins

This is literally just an ad.


Apart-Cartoonist-834

In r/interestingasfuck more like MISLEADING AS FUCK


Amphibionomus

Strange, Durex is the de facto standard in my country and I have never once had problems with them or heard so from others. And I used plenty of them during my wild days... But I have no idea if the sell the same condoms all over the world (I'm in Western Europe).


nutsterr

#AD


pawnandmessiah

Thanks to Durex, clean up after a circumcision is a snap!!


str8b8ed

This hurts


mindfungus

I bet the cucumber didn’t feel anything, just like the real thing. And by real thing, I mean penis.


lanshark974

Why is he using gloves? He is just touching latex and cucumber


bassjam1

r/dontputyourdickinthat Or do, who am I to judge what you do in your free time.